Why did you do it?

[Little Missy]

What did you find was the cause of your eating disorder?

Mine seems to be a warped mind!! LOL I know I'm not fat, but I think I am (certain parts of me).

Fear - I don't ever want to be fat. Could I accept myself if I was? I don't think so. I see being fat (in my mind) as being lazy. No self discipline. Yet, I don't hold these judgements toward my family and friends. They are who they are and I can accept that. I just can't accept that for myself.

Self esteem, self image. Ha!!

[Done-With-It!]

What did you find was the cause of your eating disorder?

Mine seems to be a warped mind!! LOL I know I'm not fat, but I think I am (certain parts of me).

Fear - I don't ever want to be fat. Could I accept myself if I was? I don't think so. I see being fat (in my mind) as being lazy. No self discipline. Yet, I don't hold these judgements toward my family and friends. They are who they are and I can accept that. I just can't accept that for myself.

Self esteem, self image. Ha!!

In my experience, the cause of an eating disorder is Never about being fat. I would actually say it is Never the cause but I have no degree just a lot of experience and information, but I'm pretty certain of that.

It doesn't make sense I know, but eating disorders are about a deep rooted issue that usually comes from something deep inside that you
aren't able to deal with yet, you don't know about yet, Trauma, or a lack of control, sexual abuse, abandonment, abuse, rape, ptsd, are all common things that set off eating disorders but rarely is it just a fear of being fat.

Yea, I can honestly say I would rather die than be fat, the thought of gaining weight scares me more than almost anything, when I do gain weight I can get suicidal very fast, but there's reasons behind that.
I know why and where it comes from, it doesn't make sense to me, but for some reason it's what I chose as a coping mechanism.

People that are afraid of just being fat don't stoop to the levels that people like me did. You have no idea the levels and how low and
dangerous an ed can bring you to lose weight without a second thought.
The fact that I am alive is a 'God Given' miracle and I'm not saying
that because my weight was low, the things I did to myself would
make anyone cringe, I don't think today I would survive the same
games.

I'm not saying or implying in anyway that you don't have an e.d.
that's not for me to decide, I'm just saying if you do, it's not about
being fat, and you need to seriously ask yourself What is it about?
and What is really going on?

[GwenMarie30]

What did you find was the cause of your eating disorder?


Like Done stated here:It doesn't make sense I know, but eating disorders are about a deep rooted issue that usually comes from something deep inside that you
aren't able to deal with yet, you don't know about yet, Trauma, or a lack of control, sexual abuse, abandonment, abuse, rape, ptsd, are all common things that set off eating disorders.

For me it was 4 of the things she just stated. For me it started with my dad always telling me I was gonna get fat. He used to tell me how much I looked like my mother. My mom was beautiful shen she was my age and just simply lost all desire to care for herself. She neglects all hygine, has no self control or self esteme. Probably from all the physical abuse from my dad and all the cheating he did to my mother. After witnessing the abuse he did to her I wanted and lived to please him. I was never good enough. He paraded his affairs in front of me and my mother. He then abandoned me for his new gf for over two years without a goodbye or a word. I lost it. That is when the ed kicked into overdrive for me because it was the only way I had any control over my life. Everything was out of my hands. I watch my mother almost kill herself after what was left that my father didnt kill. He broke her spirit and her trust and her love. The only thing left was a shell of my mother. This has taken alot of therapy to deal with as I still have hatred for my life then. But by the grace of God I will once and for all turn this over to my HP and forgive once and for all.

Now as for my ed, I still use it as a method of control over my life when things seem so out of control in my life. My ed has caused me more health problems than I can list here. For most days I do pretty good. I still use it as a coping mechanism.

LM, I am so happy that you are continuing to post on this. What problems one has doesnt define ed for another. Please keep posting on this. I would be happy to PM you and talk withh you anytime.

[Little Missy]

Thanks you two!! I'm just starting to scratch the surface of this. My mind seems to have many layers. I just have to keep pealing them away, to look for the root of the problem.

This has happened a lot, throughout my time sober. Where all of the sudden, I am no longer at peace. Something is wrong and I have to look for what is upsetting me. Sometimes I have to face something that has been hidden. Sometimes I don't find it.

I think when I said Fear of being Fat, it goes a long with self image and abandonment. Like, my huband won't find me attractive. Or, he'll leave me like my Dad left my Mom.

My husband rarely tells me I look nice. That seems to be something that I greatly desire. Even knowing in my mind that it's ok not to hear those words. I'm sure it doesn't help, that I don't like him to see my lower body!! LOL Lights must be off and covers applied to "get down to business".

I know there is something inside me that is causing this problem. I can feel it. Something is not right. I'm just having trouble putting my finger on it. This is a different feeling then the lack of peace I experience with my alcoholism.

I feel like I'm blocking something. I'm trying to run and hide from something. I'm not wanting to look for it. But I'm looking anyway. The list of things you mentioned, Done, will give me a start at things to look at. On the surface, I'm like, "No, that didn't happen.", but maybe it's just not to the "degree" that my mind thinks it should be at to bother me. Does that make any sense?

Thanks again, I'll keep digging!!

[GwenMarie30]

LM,
Sometimes you can dig as much as you can and still not find out the reason. I couldnt figure it out on my own either. It took a therapist for me to touch the bigining for me. I still have issues like you explained with you and your husband too. What started in my childhood has carried over into my adult life and has affected my relationships with adaults too. I wont say you cant find it on your own but it may help to have an outside source looking in with you?

[Done-With-It!]

It took a whole team to figure me out, literally.... Going into treatment their was a whole treatment team that worked together on each case or
each girl.

They in a way broke me down. That is how I found out. It's not something they could have done if I weren't in an in patient unit.
But I was and they could and did watch me 24hours, so they were
able to do things that they wouldn't be able to try if I wasn't
in an facility.

I thank god for it though, because I was killing myself before I went
in there, although it was tough.

[Little Missy]

I'd like to see a therapist. I just can't afford to right now. We are just starting to get caught up on our bills. We are doing things in stages. Like, hubby has to get his teeth fixed!!

I know that sounds like an excuse, but finacial strain is a huge trigger for me. I have to get some stability.

I think I'm doing a little better. I've been fairly happy lately.

[Little Missy]

Honesty time~~ Which is really something I don't want to do, so I probably need to do it!!

When y'all told me ED is not about being fat or about food, my mind kind of turned that around. I thought, well, I must not have a problem then. I can fully understand what it really means, this is a behavior I am using to try to control other things. Like they say in AA, alcohol was but a symptom...

I've been watching the videos that have been posted. They really hit home for me. It's time to take some action. I'm getting every virus known to man (well it seems that way, LOL) I'm sure it's because I'm not getting proper nutrition.

I've stopped trying to look inside for the problem (kind of thinking it will just go away). Just working on getting over my strep throat. I didn't eat for 3 days because of this cold (so then I had a good excuse not to eat). And eating didn't even cross my mind. When I went to the Dr. I was weighed there. I weighed the least amount I ever have on a Drs. scale. You know they always weigh heavy. But this time, sadly, I was pleased with what I saw.

That's all have to say for right now.

[purrdy]

hey missy it si all about self image...during my teens i took drugs to help to supress my apetite, i drank 1-2 milkshakes a day that was it. can you imagine how quickly the weight fell off!! this went on for months and months and my large boned body could fit into a size 10-12 clothes!!!! the thing is i kept on wearing huge baggy tops and baaggy trousers! i still saw the 'old me' in the mirror!....my eyes were almsot sinking into the back of my head i was smoking 60 fags a day and going to the gym every night!

hmmyes i was thin but totally miserable becasue i felt i was fat!......

it wasnt until one day my dancer freind told me to put on one of her leotards that i realised that i was just a mass of large bones!...i looked like shit....

i thought i looked great!...but my second fear was how to maintian it???? how could i stay like this?...i couldnt afford the drugs and the gym and the milkshakes anymore and so it fell by the way side..the weight fnally piled back on

i look back on those days now and can certainlky empathise with anyone who is having a problem.....i found a way out but for so many it leads to major health issues and in somne cases death due to the strain they put thier body under....

i dont know what the answers are but i do not belive in diets..they are crap, i do not believ e in ideal weight etc etc...i think if you reach a size that you feel comfortable with without even trying then THAT is your ideal weight!


i do not want to put weight on now i have quit smoking and the last time i quit i LOST weigh both times because i felt better about myuslef got out a bit more and had more energy......its self perpetuating....

just wanted to share that here its a difficult thing to tackle...self image

[morphed]

my parents have been a big trigger because of how i was raised and the shit i had to deal with. that has a lot to do with it but there's other things too that i haven't/don't want to deal with and hence the reason why im still not recovered. i just hate talking about the past and thats hard to keep up when you're in therapy.