Brick Walls

[Done_With_It!]

Brick Walls

<hr style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);" size="1"> <!-- / icon and title --><!-- message --> I have a friend who keeps walking into brick walls. Each time she does it, she hurts herself a little bit more. She is convinced that she doesn't know how to stop. She won't talk about why she keeps walking into the walls. She won't talk about anything but actually walking into the brick walls and the injuries it causes. She isn't even sure she wants to stop, but she knows she is hurting herself, at least on some level.

She knows she's different than other people who aren't always walking into brick walls.

My friend is convinced that stopping isn't possible, and even if possible, not something SHE could attain.

All my friend ever talks about is brick walls, walking into them, how to stop, how she can't stop. There is always some crisis about it. Every e-mail, every phone call, or at least the majority of them, are just so negative and filled with brick-walking descriptions and stone-wall obsessions.

I try to encourage my friend to enjoy life... to talk about other things... to tell me WHY she thinks she has to walk into brick walls. She fights me every time. Once in a while I get a peak at something deeper, at some emotion or problem she has, but as soon as it shows, it's back to walking into walls and talking about walking into walls.

I can't imagine that living a life like this is fulfilling to her. She isn't happy. She'll go out of her way to avoid people just so she can walk into walls. She says her therapist can't understand because HE has NEVER walked into a wall in his life, so he can't possibly help her. She gets mad if people put up cushioning so she can't get hurt. She gets mad if people get in her way of walking into a wall. She gets really angry if someone tries to hug her instead of letting her bash her head on brick. And she just won't talk about anything but walking into brick walls and gets annoyed when people encourage her to talk about what's bothering her.

It's really been quite impossible to help her because she won't let anyone help her. She won't listen to anyone's advice. She never considers that she's making a choice to walk into a wall each time she does. I've even heard her blame the wall, like she has no control over whether she walks into it or not. There are people all around us, every day, NOT walking into walls, yet she doesn't consider it's an option.

My friend knows that someday she could walk into a wall and have it kill her. She's convinced she'll never go that far.

I think she wants people to see her bruises, scrapes and lumps. I think she thinks it's like a badge of honor, displaying her inner pain, displaying how unique she is, showing the world she can do whatever the hell she wants. She also gets a lot of attention for it, using it as an excuse why people don't "get" her or that people just feel sorry for her.

It's hard to see anything else but a person who walks into brick walls because that is all she ever shows anyone. I'm even starting to forget who she was BEFORE she started all this.

I have already told her that I will never stop telling her it's not okay to hurt herself this way. She gets mad. She tells me I don't understand. I ask her to make me. She won't. If a day goes by and I don't mention it, she thinks I don't care. Either way, she uses it as an excuse to walk into more walls. It's a no win situation.

I can't help my friend stop this until she wants to stop.
I can't support someone to stop walking into walls if I don't know why they do it.
I don't want it to ruin our friendship, but as you see, it already has. She blames me. She blames the stupid walls. She blames people who don't understand. She blames people who try to.

I think she could stop walking into brick walls if she really wanted to. Matter of fact, I KNOW she could that's how much faith I have in her. I'm angry that she would rather walk into walls than anything else. I'm sad it's consumed her. She doesn't seem to care that I worry. She doesn't want me walking into walls myself, but she's mad that I don't understand. She wants me to tell her it's okay, but we both know it's not. She wants me to stop harping on it, but she won't stop harping on it.

- - - - -

I got a phone call today.

She finally did it. It sounds so sad... that someone actually did this to themselves to the point of death. I can't believe it. I cannot believe she's gone.

I hear the hush-hush whispering of our friends. Can you believe she did this to herself? If only she had asked for help... if only she had told us why maybe we could have done something... if only she had been willing to help herself...

I did everything I could for my friend, but in the end, whether I'd been there or not, it wouldn't have made a difference. To her, anything I said was wrong, because really, she needed to take responsibility for herself. She needed me to be wrong. The more she convinced herself I was, the more she convinced herself she was right. She wasn't willing to challenge her thinking, even though she KNEW it was hurting her in every way possible.

She wasn't willing to say "I'm going to do everything I can to stop walking into brick walls." She wasn't willing to say "I'm going to do as much as I can to stop walking into brick walls. She wasn't even willing to say "I'm going to take some tiny little steps away from walking into brick walls."

She was too quick to blame everyone else, even herself, when blame was never the answer.

All she needed was to give a little and she could have received a lot.

All she needed was to give to herself the same gifts she felt everyone else deserved.
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